When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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