I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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