sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
