she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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