After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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