My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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