Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
