Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
