you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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