haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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