i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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