i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
