Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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