But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
