**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
