you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
