I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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