Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
