hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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