if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
