So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
