There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
