when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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