I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
