apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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