anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
