If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
