The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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