just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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