i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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