just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
