oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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