his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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