the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
