i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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