you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
