I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
