I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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