i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
