so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
