Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
