420 ftw
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
