She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
