Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
