I wish I could punch you in the face.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
