Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
