He kissed a someone with a penis
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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