I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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