the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
