I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
