All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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