How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
