Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
