Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
