my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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